anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
