Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize