Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
