listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
