i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
