I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
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I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
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I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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