I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
