Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
