I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
