her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You are the jesus of drinking
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
