My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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