All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
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I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
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When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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