So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
