She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
