The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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