On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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