I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
