also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
