just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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