i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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