I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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