Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
