I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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