I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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