Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
