You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
