47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
