Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
