My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
