You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
