i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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