Capitaan dildo arrescate!
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
BRING THE BAGELS
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Randomize
