I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
