I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
