I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
PANTIES FOUND
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