I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
