i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
