dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
This gyro tastes like lonliness
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
