i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
