cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
