im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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