is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
