i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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