what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
