It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
