he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
