I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
literally had 100 drinks last night.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
