im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
