You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
