I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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