He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
