Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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