He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
