Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
