this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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