I'm gonna have a badass scar
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
